much to my utter dismay did i receive word (upon reaching my doorstep) that His Royal Darkness, Diablos is missing... imagine the shock.. akin to hearing the departure of loved ones.. for a split second i managed an astral flight and part of me felt cruelly ripped away...

Diablos... missing?

embak mentioned seeing him climbing around in my room and suhail and syakir chipped in that he was present when they woke up at 0700. beyond that, no one knew what happened. i was seething with anger. an anger that was mixed with denial. everyone said my room windows were closed because they were using the aircon for the night so it's only logical that the possibility of him climbing out onto the window sill and falling to his death (ugh, the thought makes me cringe!) be ruled out.

refusing to accept any other possibilities, i pounced upon the fact that he might have crept out while embak was doing the laundry and wandered his way out of our lives. i unlocked the window grilles for both my room and the living room and did a quick survey on the ledges outside. zilch.

i stormed around the whole house and began searching every nook and cranny and any spaces a kitten could fit in. i cooed and tch tch tch-ed (or tsk tsk tsk if u may) my way through each room yet every lifted sofa and bed yielded no furry ball of blackness. inside, i whimpered desperately.

Diablos... where are you?

barefooted i fled out the door and went to search 3 floors above and below our floor. nada. dejected, slowly trudged my way back. dry sobs racked me and i quickly gathered myself when upon reaching home. i don't need this. oh please... please...

could he have fallen to his death and his remains cleared up, leaving no trace of his passing? noooooo... ... ...

could he have wandered around and gotten 'abducted' by someone? fuck you!! get your own cat!!

could he have wandered around and gotten lost somewhere downstairs? please... find your way back home

I so miss him greeting me everytime i step into the house.

trotting casually to my feet and pouncing and pawing away at my toes as i wiggle my feet out from my sandals.

and diverting his attention to the straps once the sandals are off.

and how he obediently and loyally stays put whenever i come up to him to scratch behind his ears.

and how he serenely shuts his eyes when i scratch under his chin.

and how he looks for me and just nonchalantly flops onto his side, expecting a tummy rub.

how he gently and playfully gives me 'high fives'.

and how he paws at my fingers and tries to bite them when he's had enough of the tummy rub.

how he quietly enjoys the times i carry him, lazily lying in the crook of my arms and mewing the occasional mew.

how he patiently keeps still whenever i inspect his teeth.

...and his coat for visible dust particles.

damn... ='(

i get so sad seeing Pandora lying around alone. missing her partner-in-pouncing. i'm sure she misses him too. awww fuck why am i getting so sentimental! it must this mark anthony's My Baby You. it's hardly the song for someone who has just lost his dearest feline but the music just fits the mood. damn i feel like crying. really. just writing the things i miss about him made my lips quiver. i really really feel like crying. yeah it's only a cat so what. but it's one important half of my most beloved felines. those with departed or missing pets would know how it feels to have that companion you are just so used to having around not be there anymore... i'll just go to sleep. my tears are welling up already.

i hope i spot him in the neighbourhood a.s.a.p. or wake up to find him playing amongst the plants outside, waiting to be let back in. =(

Diablos... come home...

SiQ, out...

and sadly, Diablos out too...

SiQ frenetically scribed @05:50.

u don't want me to worry yet u still tell me. just before i start eating too... not that i ate that night. i didn't have the appetite when u were done. i understand u but sometimes ur timing is off... oh well...

i'd be spewing a whole lotta bullocks if i were to say i'm not worried. i'm a worrier. i worry a whole damn lot. now u know. but worrying doesn't help. doing something does... this is where my will deserts me and despair gleefully takes over. Despair actually came in thru the feeble door that is the conduit to my mind. to a ragdoll theme it comes in with a jig. the sneer of the devil on its face. it teased and it cajoled and when Will was weakened, it, with several well placed kicks, thrashed it out the door. it came to stay and brought along Denial too.

with each passing day, my lust for life wanes.. i stay at home.. it creeps up on me and stays in my mind. at home i face family. i leave it at the doorstep and go to work and face imbeciles.. where is a person to stay? where does he rest his mind? where is his sanctuary? heh you know, people say i dream too much. i don't refute them. dreaming is how i've managed to stay sane (relatively) all this while. but what, pray tell, is a person to do when he keeps thinking of the drug but can't have it? he knows the drug can alleviate it all. but he just can't get any of it.

at this point i would like to say that after several months of self-observation, i find myself to be quite the coward. simply because i wish and have been tempted to on more than several occasions to run away from it all. is it cowardly to run? aye say many for running away solves naught. but for every aye, i would also think that there would be an equal number of those who say nay. myself included (tho at this point i'm unsure if this IS the side i should be taking on or is it just a convenient excuse to make myself feel better). for if one says running away is cowardly, then who will prove the old adage 'those who fight and run away, live to fight another day' correct?

which school of thought do i follow? which school of thought should i follow? should i even follow? why must it almost always be a yes or a no? is there really a space for maybe? what does spending the good part of an hour sitting here and typing about my sorrows and more impending misery do for me? an outlet to relieve myself? hah... blogging... is like paracetamol... it only temporarily relives the pain... i should know. i've been familiarising myself with the insides of medicine packs. not to mention, i'm also now quite the expert in popping out tablets/capsules from their bubble pack thingies after being mostly bedridden for almost a week thanks to the flu. hmm... i don't seem to stick to any particular topic do i? nor do i, throughout this post, progress systematically...

so many things i want... so many ideal scenarios... non will see the light of day it seems. not anytime soon... maybe not even in this lifetime... at these times do i now think of God. hah... i forget Him when i'm doing well.. and only look for Him when i'm in despair... my mom keeps telling me never to forget Him. i don't. i honestly don't. (but the more she tells me not to forget Him, the more i resent the idea. blasphemous me) He knows i never forget Him. and only He knows why i don't turn to Him in these dark times. i hope i wake up my idea soon... ='(


the willpower just isn't there. i say it isn't there so that's why it isn't. don't i?


i hope i'll help myself to turn to Him to help me. help us. i'm spent. i'm spent. i'm spent. but still i laugh. to hide. i laugh merry laughs. not all are truly out of merriment. tho i often wish they were. =(

dream world... a day is too short. for if it is longer then i may sleep longer and be at peace in my ethereal asylum. there is that final escape. many have turned to it. many have tried and wish they succeeded (or not). that final release. that'd be ideal. without the eternal damnation bit. but since getting a nice tan is the furthest i'd go to being incinerated countless times over, i'll stick to living. and hope to find the yellow brick road to Him. and just. live it out.

one.
day.
at.
a.
time.

SiQ,
.
.
.
out~

SiQ frenetically scribed @22:54.